Sunday, October 08, 2006

9 Things You Should Never Tell A Woman

1. “You could stand to lose a little weight.”
This is the number one reason most men get stabbed by their significant others. A woman and her weight are not to be taken lightly, no pun intended. Only a fool will put in his two cents on this subject. It is a good way to ensure that you will never see that pussy again.

2. “Yes, I did kill your cat”
Even if it was an accident, you must lie to the death. If it was on purpose it is a good idea to keep that lie going even after death. If you ever find yourself with a dead cat on your hands, remember these three words; “hide the body”.

3. “Sure, I’d sleep with your sister/friend/mother.”
Women do not need to be reminded that deep down, every guy is secretly a man whore. You can discuss this with your buddies all day long, but mention it around your girl and prepare for Hiroshima relived. I know a guy who said this once. He still can’t see a pair of tits without the stab wound in his leg acting up.

4. “It is your fault for not looking before you pee”
Even though this is 100% true, utter these words late at night and prepare to do some time on the couch. On a side note in the ladies defense, guys who actually pee on the toilet seat are just lazy. If you have had it for this long and still can’t aim right there is something wrong with your hand-eye coordination. Draw yourself a target in the snow outside and use it for practice.

5. “I think it is time for somebody to change her tampon.”
Go ahead, say this, I dare you. If you think the Hiroshima thing you caused with the sister admission was bad, wait till you see the destruction this nice little phrase will bring about. Think 9-11 on a global scale. The lucky ones will be killed in the first wave.

6. “I just wanted to have sex, not to cuddle”
This is very nearly an obligation unless the female happens to be a hooker or drunk sorority slut. This is where the difference between males and females becomes painfully evident. After we bust a nut, we are done for the game, but a woman can still go on for hours. They still want to be touched, we do not. Suck it up and git-r-done unless you want your peace-bringing orgasm to be directly followed by the dreaded “You think I’m fat.”

7. “I was only looking because her tits are bigger than yours”
The sting is the back of the hand. The bruise is the palm. I am telling you this because she is going to give you a choice after you say this. The sting or the bruise? Take the sting, it may hurt more but afterwards you do not have to explain to your buddies why you have a black eye.

8. “Yes, right now, the football game/internet is more important than you.”
Unless you can get your computer or television to let you stick your cock in it, just fake like you are listening and try to remember key words. Every man knows how to do this because every man is forced to learn early with mom. Just smile, nod, and try your best to remember what the hell she just said later on when it might mean the difference between getting laid and taking a cold shower.

9. The last and most important thing to never tell a woman….
You’re having sex with her. She is nearing climax and can barely see straight. Pull your dick out of her, stop, look her dead in the eye, and say “Bob Dole” in a deep voice. At the very least, you will have a good story to tell your friends about why your last girlfriend left you.

9 Reasons Not To Shoot Up A School

1. It’s just not nice

As the good Jewish folks would say, “It is just not kosher.” Whatever can be done to a person that would drive them to such a crime is not even close to the evil they themselves have perpetrated. It also goes against general good manners and proper etiquette. Mr. Rogers would definitely not approve.

2. It has been done before
Three times in the past week and a half to be exact. There was a time when a stunt like this would guarantee that your name would be remembered, in however bad a way, but that time is long past. Nowadays you are lucky to even get your picture in the paper.

3. No one cares if your mommy didn’t hug you enough
Or if you were picked on, or if your life sucks, or if your dick won’t get hard because some little girl laughed at you back in grade school. Everyone on this planet has issues. It is called learning to move on with your life, look up the definition, write it down, and remember it.

4. Teachers don’t get combat pay
They don’t get paid much at all. Also, one day one of these sick shits that like to pick up a gun and run amuck in a school might just run into the wrong educator and get dealt with. My old English teacher was an ex-marine who could rip your face off with a simple look. We can only hope…

5. Bill Gates got picked on in high school too
It didn’t seem to affect him much, though the billions probably take most of the sting away. The point here is it is not the fault of the people who messed with you that your life sucks. Plenty of people who did not get picked on are probably worse off. Case in point: Mel Gibson. We love you, Mel!

6. No one shot up your school
Return the favor. It is just good form. Why give someone else a reason to go shit nuts one day because some crazy memory of an old school shooting all of a sudden comes up out of nowhere? Stop the madness, kill a rabbit instead.

7. Rotten bastards convene during sessions of congress, not high school English classes
High school kids may not be the biggest gentlemen in the world, but they certainly aren’t rotten bastards. Not yet, they have to grow up first. Let them grow up. In the meantime, how about aiming at guys who maybe deserve it a little more? Bin Laden still hasn’t been caught…

8. Prove your manhood; shoot up an armory instead
It takes exactly zero balls to shoot up a bunch of innocent girls. Why not have a go at someone who can shoot back? This is America, you should have no problem finding someone with a gun who would absolutely love to have a shootout with you. There is a guy in every town that is just itching for a gunfight. Show up on his property and piss on his lawn.

9. Life really isn’t that bad
Things could always be worse and will most likely always get better as well. Only a total asshole takes out his own personal problems on the rest of the world. So, you may be feeling bad this week. Smoke a joint for Christ's sake and leave the schools alone.

This article is dedicated to everyone who has ever been a victim of a school shooting because someone else was just too weak to deal with their lives and had to go out and be a dumb shit.