Sunday, October 08, 2006

9 Things You Should Never Tell A Woman

1. “You could stand to lose a little weight.”
This is the number one reason most men get stabbed by their significant others. A woman and her weight are not to be taken lightly, no pun intended. Only a fool will put in his two cents on this subject. It is a good way to ensure that you will never see that pussy again.

2. “Yes, I did kill your cat”
Even if it was an accident, you must lie to the death. If it was on purpose it is a good idea to keep that lie going even after death. If you ever find yourself with a dead cat on your hands, remember these three words; “hide the body”.

3. “Sure, I’d sleep with your sister/friend/mother.”
Women do not need to be reminded that deep down, every guy is secretly a man whore. You can discuss this with your buddies all day long, but mention it around your girl and prepare for Hiroshima relived. I know a guy who said this once. He still can’t see a pair of tits without the stab wound in his leg acting up.

4. “It is your fault for not looking before you pee”
Even though this is 100% true, utter these words late at night and prepare to do some time on the couch. On a side note in the ladies defense, guys who actually pee on the toilet seat are just lazy. If you have had it for this long and still can’t aim right there is something wrong with your hand-eye coordination. Draw yourself a target in the snow outside and use it for practice.

5. “I think it is time for somebody to change her tampon.”
Go ahead, say this, I dare you. If you think the Hiroshima thing you caused with the sister admission was bad, wait till you see the destruction this nice little phrase will bring about. Think 9-11 on a global scale. The lucky ones will be killed in the first wave.

6. “I just wanted to have sex, not to cuddle”
This is very nearly an obligation unless the female happens to be a hooker or drunk sorority slut. This is where the difference between males and females becomes painfully evident. After we bust a nut, we are done for the game, but a woman can still go on for hours. They still want to be touched, we do not. Suck it up and git-r-done unless you want your peace-bringing orgasm to be directly followed by the dreaded “You think I’m fat.”

7. “I was only looking because her tits are bigger than yours”
The sting is the back of the hand. The bruise is the palm. I am telling you this because she is going to give you a choice after you say this. The sting or the bruise? Take the sting, it may hurt more but afterwards you do not have to explain to your buddies why you have a black eye.

8. “Yes, right now, the football game/internet is more important than you.”
Unless you can get your computer or television to let you stick your cock in it, just fake like you are listening and try to remember key words. Every man knows how to do this because every man is forced to learn early with mom. Just smile, nod, and try your best to remember what the hell she just said later on when it might mean the difference between getting laid and taking a cold shower.

9. The last and most important thing to never tell a woman….
You’re having sex with her. She is nearing climax and can barely see straight. Pull your dick out of her, stop, look her dead in the eye, and say “Bob Dole” in a deep voice. At the very least, you will have a good story to tell your friends about why your last girlfriend left you.


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